Trusting

It'll be three weeks tomorrow since we've been on the market. And we've had zero walk-thrus. We are trying not to be anxious about it and I've made it a consistent matter of prayer. I have been praying that a Christian family would buy our house and they would be a godly witness in our neighborhood. Perhaps my request has narrowed the field too much? I know that God has someone for our little house, but we may have to wait a while for them to show up. That's typically how things go on our little street. Houses sit for long periods of time before they sell. Our house was on the market a year and a half before we bought it. Hopefully it won't be that long... We are supposed to close on our new house in July, so we at least don't have to rush in the moving process. Well, except for the fact that Little Brother is due in the beginning of September, and I'd like to be mostly settled before he gets here... And I'd like to at least have Joshua's new bedroom painted from pink to blue before we move. I think if his room looks as much like his does now, it'll be an easier transition for him, though I still expect to have him climbing into bed with us for the first several days in our new house. (How comfy will that be for me, at eight months pregnant, sandwiched between a sweaty husband and a squirmy little boy?)

This is time for us to trust God (isn't it always?) and commit the transition to Him. He knows all the details and He knows each and everyone affected by our move. Even my young neighbors here. And how my commute to work will grow by a half hour after we move, even if it is only temporary. Maybe it'll be good to stay here a little longer. I'm not looking forward to the 50 minute commute, though it'll only be until the end of August. See? God knows.

Home, Sweet Home

My mind won't turn off this evening. There's too much to think about. Too much for me to do in the next week and a half. And figure out. We have exactly one week to finish prepping our house to be on the market. Yes, we are planning to make a move. Yes, while pregnant. Hey, last time I was pregnant we moved, so why not this time too? We are not going too far, just closer to where we always are. Closer to where Adam typically works. Closer to church, to the store, to the other Grandma. Farther from where I work, farther from the close-to-us Grandma, farther from my vegetable garden... We are excited and stressed too. I'm trying to give it all to God and not worry about finding the perfect house, but I am still thinking about it, especially when I should be sleeping. We have four months before baby brother is due and I would love to be settled in our new home before then. And God knows that. He also know where that will be and how long it will take to sell our house. He knows my tomato plants just came in the mail and that they need to be planted in my garden soon. And He knows I would like access to them in August when they are producing big, juicy, red tomatoes. God knows my husband is tired of driving so far to and from work each day. And He knows that I currently drive 25 minutes to work three days a week and if we move during mid-summer, I will have to make a 45-50 minute commute until the end of August. He knows that I would need to supplement the family income somehow after I stop working outside of out home and He knows how that will happen. He knows exactly when baby brother will arrive. He knows our families needs and desires in a house, even if we aren't sure exactly what they are ourselves. And I think it is GREAT that He knows ALL these things! He even tells us to cast all our cares upon Him, because He cares about us! So why am I still awake at night thinking about details? (Oh yes, there are many more details I have not shared. For instance, the bridal shower I am hosting at my house in 11 days... How can it be pretty and dainty and lovely and wonderful and a blessing and a success all at the same time? All at the same time as I am cleaning and boxing and sorting and tossing and getting no sleep? I guess God knows that too...)

Oh yes, and baby brother is 23 weeks tomorrow. An amazing, unexpected miracle and gift. God's timing is perfect. Who am I to second guess Him?

You Don't Have to Read This

Just wanted to say this has been a rather hard/wonderful summer. Some things have been wonderful and, well, some things super hard. The whole changing churches thing I feel is taking it's toll on me. Having a church family and regular fellowship is really important to me, but not only have we left our home church of eight+ years, we also are not regularly attending or going to be regularly attending the church of our choice for quite a while. Adam is going to be helping do sound at another church in the city through the months of September and October. And more than likely, we will not be able to get plugged into our new church until November. Thankfully, I have been attending a small group Bible study midweek through the summer. The group is made up of young married or single adults in their 20's or 30's and I feel like I've made some good connections with people or at least am starting to. It helps that one of my bff's was part of the group to start with. But now our group leader has just informed us that he will be leaving our group with a new leader in the fall and going off to start another group. Yeah, the one part of "church" that held some normalcy is now going to be... well, different. It just stinks extra much because our group leader was good at making everyone feel welcome, accepted and, I guess, part of the group. It's hard... Especially when every other night or so, I dream about things going on at the church we left and in my dreams I end up crying because I am missing out on what's happening. I don't want to make friends at the church Adam is helping at because we aren't going to stay there (nor do I want to). The new church is absolutely huge and the only thing that makes the huge part not so bad, is the small groups. I just wish Adam could come with me... I'm not complaining, I'm just saying it's not easy. I know it'll be for the best, but right now I have a lump in my throat and I wish Adam was awake so we could talk about it... But he is sleeping and the next best thing in to blog it.

The Crazy Wheel of Life

I was told that life is like a wheel, with it's ups and downs. Gotta say, this week has been totally like a wheel. I know that God is at work in my life, but I wish He would would just hurry up, cause His work hurts. It's a good thing that He has balanced His work with some wonderful things along with it. Like Jim is in town this week. And my Gramanita is here from Nova Scotia, for the first time since Adam and I got married. And Leta will have a new baby any day (or hour?). So I have been spending a lot of time with my immediate family and at my parent's house visiting with the family. There is a wonderful sense of community when I go home. Something about not being alone, having someone to share burdens with- even if it is help folding laundry, working together and loving together. I am one of seven kids, so I feel most at home surrounded by people. I'm not much for being alone. I guess you might say that it gets a little lonely around my house. Adam goes to work, comes home tired, and goes to bed early. I miss having time spent with each other, whether it is playing a game together, reading together, going for a walk, or sipping tea while sitting on the deck together. I think quiet time spent together is important and healthy in a relationship and when those quiet times don't happen, a relationship can suffer. I think both of us are to blame here. I fill up my evenings with activities that take me out of the home and away from my family. It's not that I don't want to put my family first, it's just that somehow I want to do other important things too. Before I know it, my weeknights are filled with just snippets of time left for those who really matter most. How do I fix it? How do I make sure that Adam and Josh know that they are the most important to me, with the only exception of Jesus Christ? And then how do we make sure that we have enough Glue (Jesus) in our marriage to keep it strong? Take the "Glue" and time spent together out of a marriage and what you have left is a crazy spinning wheel, careening towards the cliff's edge. And that is the story.

How to Realize You Are Just One Person

I know my last post made it seem like I wanted lots more to do, but maybe you need clarification. There is currently a LOT on my plate. I don't really need any more to do. But I do want to make more of a difference. I want the things that I do to impact lives for the better. To spread the Good News farther. To effect. To draw people to Christ, because in the end, He is all that really matters. I want my life to reflect that fact. And is busying myself by doing Bible Club, Compassion events, helping decorate for Vacation Bible School, cooking class at Daycare, and hostessing at the CK really reflecting Christ's love for those around me? Am I really able to be a conduit of His grace and mercy when my mind is occupied with thoughts of painting Western scenes, how to make styrofoam swords for defeating the throes of sin, finding sponsors for 22 needy children across the globe or teaching children how to make chocolate chip cookies? It's 12:30 at night and I can't sleep, probably from drinking coffee at 4:45 pm, but possibly from trying to keep everything straight in my brain. When does a girl possibly have time to keep her house clean, her garden free from weeds, to practice the piano more than twice a week so she doesn't feel like a fool come piano lesson day, work more than three days a week, make sure her family eats supper AND gets time to spend with her, AND read the Bible and pray every day? Thankfully the Lord has given me a little alarm clock named Louis, who scratches at my door at 5:15 every morning and finally I realized it was a call to rise early to read and pray, after it happened consistently for over two weeks. Also thankfully, if I get up that early, spend 30-40 minutes with the Lord, I still have time to go back to sleep before I really need to get up to get ready for work. What does God really want from me? Obedience more than sacrifice... How do I know which is which? What is He calling me to do and what have I just taken on because I wanted to? If I knew how to discern, I could pour myself more fully into what He has truly called me to do.

Okay Lord, what is it YOU would have me to do?

Horrible Tragedy

My heart is heavy today. My mind feels a million miles away. I just watched a horrendous video of the earthquake and tsunami in Japan. Tears gathered in my eyes and the people there did not seem like strangers to me. They felt like neighbors being washed away in a rush of debris. I realize that I knew none of them personally, but I feel connected none-the-less. You see, just eight days ago I spent a brief moment in Tokyo. I brushed shoulders with the people of Japan. People who are now hurting, desperate for help, and crying out for salvation. People who have just witnessed their lives crumble before their very eyes.

"Dear God! Please help! I know we can do nothing for those who have already lost their lives, but dear God have mercy on those who still have breath! Rescue them in this moment of dire need. Come to their aid and let them witness Your salvation!"

The Time Has Come

The time has nearly arrived. I can feel my stomach tensing. On my last flight, the combination of excitement/anxiety and the change in pressure while we were flying was too much for my stomach. I was so bloated and in pain, I really just wanted to lie on the floor in order to find some relief. I prayed that God would help me and curled my legs up onto the seat. My back twinged as the muscles by my neck tightened and I reached up to massage where the muscle hurt. Moments after I began massaging my neck, my stomach seemed to relax slightly and the pain lessened. I wondered if I had found a pressure point... The rest of the flight I struggled to find a comfortable position in which to sleep. The tiny pillow which my Mom had sent along was of great assistance as I turned my head this way and that. I stuck the pillow between my head and my shoulder, I held it in front of me, and I found myself wishing that I was as comfortable with leaning my head on someones' shoulder as the military man was next to me. The young man had arranged his head very comfortable on the young woman's shoulder in the next seat over, not too much more than a half hour into our flight. He slept in a what seemed solid sleep until we arrived in LA. I was told by a military friend of ours the next day that, when you are in the military, you lose all sense of what is the "socially accepted norm". Perhaps that is why he was so comfortable sleeping on her shoulder, but at that point in time, I was slightly jealous that I am of a more reserved nature. I maybe was able to catch a half-hours worth of "winks" and arrived in LA at 1:30 EST. I was exhausted,but eager to meet my hosts for the night. As I entered the lobby, I quickly scanned the crowd and saw no familiar faces. I turned toward the baggage claim and peeked back over my shoulder toward the group of people waiting for their loved ones. It was then I saw her. She stood up and held a sign that read "Welcome Bethany". I grinned and headed for the couple who had so willingly come to pick me up and open their home to me. We exchanged a friendly hug and I knew that this was going to be a good visit.

A couple specific prayer requests for the next couple weeks.

~For my stomach during the long flight overseas.

~For safety traveling and the health of our whole group.

~The we would be a blessing to the children at the centers and to our sponsored kids.

~Language difficulties.

~That the Holy Spirit would overflow from our lives to those we meet.

~For God-given opportunities to witness and to minister to those around us.

Preparation and Protection

The countdown is on... 12 days before I fly out of NY. Fourteen days before I leave the country. I have been practicing my Bahasa Indonesia and at the moment I can count to ten. Lets see if I still remember how tomorrow...

Satu, dua, tiga, empat, lima, enam, tujuh, delapan, sembilan, sepuluh... And nol is zero.

Putih is white. Merah is red. Biru is blue. Can you guess what hitam is?

I am trying my best to avoid stress. You may think I am extraordinarily premature, but I started gathering items for packing tonight. I have realized that I am very prone to stressing out, and I am trying to prevent any last minute anxiety attacks. I put things into Ziploc bags and wrote down what was in each bag. I packed the bag of things I had for Ayu. I am trying to be prepared.

And although I am beginning the packing process, I am still feeling pressure in a different aspect. (Though it has been better today.) I covet your prayers in these upcoming weeks, and would like to you to pray against spiritual attack. I feel like the devil is trying to steal my joy away and make me overly concerned with leaving Joshua. Strep throat has been rampant at daycare this week, and all week long I had/have been paranoid that Josh has it too, but the symptoms are just hiding. I mostly was worried because he broke out with a rash on his face Tuesday (though it went away after his afternoon snooze) and my sister had also had strep, without any of the typical symptoms. So the Mom in me was afraid he had it too, and it would hide in there until he would be so, so sick. Then my other paranoia was that Josh would spend all his days and evenings while I was gone watching cartoons and that he would turn into a cranky monster. Then I would come home to a miserable boy who didn't care what his Mommy said. Isn't that horrible?!? I really know that Adam would not let Josh watch TV ALL the time and that other people are perfectly capable (kinda...) of taking care of my boy while I am away... But it is like I said, someone is trying to steal my joy and make me nervous about leaving. I know God has prepared all the details and He is sending me to Indonesia, I have no doubt about that. And Satan will try to use means to distract me and keep me from spending the time I need to with the Lord. He wants me to be worried. Worried! He likes when Christians are worried! So I covet your much needed prayers. I need a wall of protection around me in these up coming weeks, to guard against attacks. And if you could pray for my family too. That they would be healthy and safe. How much we do need Jesus.

Thank you Lord Jesus, that You are our protector and that You love us! Please guard my heart and mind and keep my family from danger. Keep me close to You and trusting in You. Amen!

Surrender

So my special diet has been working. It's been three months and I have had two "normal" cycles. There is hope for me yet. During prayer tonight at church, I was really feeling like this is something I just need to surrender to the Lord. I have been thinking about babies a LOT lately, especially since in the past two weeks I have learned of four different women who are expecting. Part of me rejoices for them and part of me says "We have been trying for two years now. I think it's my turn!" It's selfish and impatient of me. I just need to surrender and trust that the Lord knows what He is doing. He doesn't want me to be pregnant when I go to Indonesia or when I got my Hep A shot or when I have to take malaria medicine. That would be bad for a baby. But He has it all in His hands. "Lord help me to surrender to You."

Genesis 30:22

Only Half of Me Wants to be Normal

So an update about my appointment with my Doctor...

I felt almost like I had wasted my time going to see her, not because I didn't have lots of questions to ask her, but because she couldn't answer any of my questions. It went kinda like this:

Me: "I have low progesterone and no ovulation, so if I change my diet and maybe take herbal supplements, will that help increase my progesterone levels?"

Dr: "Well, you don't get hormones from the food you eat..."

Me: "This sort of problem runs in my family and my Aunt said to try A, B and C foods. What do you think of those?"

Dr: "Well, all of those things are really good for all parts of your body, and if your Aunt had the same problem, so maybe she would know."

I asked her about wild yams, about chasteberry, about soy and various other foods. I was hoping that as a very experienced gynecologist, she would know something more about wild yams than just that her husband bought some for her when she was having hot flashes! She knew nothing about using your diet to influence hormonal balance in your body. It was very frustrating. And since taking anything drug related is out of the question at least until I get back from Indonesia, she said, "Well, it doesn't hurt to try those things for the next few months and if you get pregnant, great! And if not, we can see you when you get back in March." She couldn't give me any warnings about taking herbal supplements, as in what not to take, how long to take, what not to take together, what sort of influence they would have on my moods, etc, etc, etc. So I'm left flying blind. (If you know of a good herbalist, let me know! I feel as if I could use one!)

I don't want this to become a "preoccupation" in my life or even a stress hazard. All I really want is... Well, I am not even sure. I want to know what God has for me. Is another baby in my future? Cause if it's not, I sure will be happy with my malfunctioning body. I love not having monthly mood swings, absent cycles, and the "happy norm" my body is in. Unless the lack of those things are not really healthy for my body, which is one question I forgot to ask my Dr. and one she didn't volunteer information for. I'd also love to know if mood swings often accompany the initial intake of herbal supplements such as chasteberry and wild yams, because I'd love to blame my volatile outbreaks on them.

To sum all of this ranting up, I need prayer. I need guidance. Half of me wants to be normal and half of me likes the way I am. Lord, what do you have for me?

Odd Ramblings of Disconcertion

It's been a weird week so far. Not like bizarre or insane, just not like what was expected. To start the week off, the employees from a local factory that provides work for 300+ people went on strike. Everyone knew this was coming, and I fully support the employee's on this one. For a very profitable company to decrease wages, cut future pensions, and lessen health care coverage for it's loyal workers is just wrong. The only reason the company gives for doing so is that other factories in the Rochester area don't get paid as well as their workers do. It's all about increasing their profit margin at the expense of the workers. (Trust me, if these people were getting paid so much, why don't I see any of them living in lake-front homes or driving Hummers?) Two families who bring their kids to the daycare where I work, work at this factory. Put three check marks in the back of your mind. A couple weeks ago, another mother who brings her son to daycare was "laid-off" because she wanted her boss to give her a reference, as she was going to apply for a town job. Put another check mark down. And today, I come to find out that another parent was fired from their job and this was their daughter's last day at daycare. So we are possibly losing five kids, depending on how long the strike goes on for. These are five little people, who represent a big chunk of how my days happen. It's just an odd thing, to watch so many parent's lose their source of income so close together. I am grateful for how the Lord provides for us all, even when times are tough. I am thankful my man has a job, even though he has had to work late almost every night for the past two weeks. I am thankful for the time that God allows me to have with little people during the week. Sometimes they are tiring, loud, naughty, stubborn, disgusting, grumpy, etc., etc. But I have to remember that God has given me a tiny portion of their lives, to be able to love them the way that He would. To hug them, wipe their noses (and their bottoms), to rock them, to discipline them and to teach them numbers and letter sounds... I have to remember to influence them with a godly love, so they will remember.

Baby Fever

There's seems to be the smell of a new baby brewing in the air... I am anxiously awaiting tomorrow morning in the hopes that I can meet our newest family member. My brother and my sister-in-law went to the hospital this evening. I can't wait...

I think I've been having baby fever lately. There are so many people I know either having babies or about to have a baby. I could count them on one hand, but then I would have to move on to the next. And then there is those having their second baby. Fine. I admit it. I'm slightly jealous. I've often wondered why God hasn't given us a second baby yet. We've wanted one for a while... I'm not upset and overly anxious about it, since I know God has everything in His hands and His timing is best. But when I was younger, I figured that I would be like my Mom. I always wanted a large family and since my brothers and sister and I were all basically two years apart, I thought that was how it would work for me too. I guess I am not quite the "cookie cutter shape" of my Mom that people think we are. Sometimes I wonder if it'll just be us and Josh. Sometimes I feel bad he has no one to play with but me. (I'm not really that much fun.) Sometimes I just want to smell a new baby. Now where is that new niece or nephew of mine???

Sharing My Love

So, I broke my Facebook fast briefly this evening. I had been out for about an hour weeding my garden. (If you had seen my post about my garden, you would think it was about time...) The bugs were just starting to think about coming out for the night, when my neighbor comes out and asks me about my trip to Nicaragua... I correct him on where I had gone and somehow the conversation turned to why I had gone. I love "Holy Spirit opportunities". I also love how the Lord makes it so easy to share the truth with people. Rick, my neighbor, was very unopposed to me telling him about Jesus and why we needed Him. Which I thought was amazing. I had never had the opportunity to share with him before and it all came out so easy! I guess he had grown up going to Catholic school and took the Catechism... But anyway, I think it all came out rather smoothly (thus the "Holy Spirit Opportunity") and I was even able to invite him to church. So, if you all could please pray for Rick... Pray that he will be the first of a mini-revival on P* Rd. That would be awesome. I told you I was excited about what the Lord was going to do. "Lord, may there be many more opportunities for You to use me this week!"

So anyway, I broke my Facebook fast to ask my friends to pray for my neighbor. May God be working in his heart tonight!! And I think that the dozen new bugbites on my legs are a cost well worth it.

On a side note, it is nice to let your ice cream sandwich warm up just slightly, so you can lick the icecream out of the edges.