Sunday, January 09, 2011

Weakness

I cannot believe it is January 9th already. Nine whole days into the new year. That gives me one month and eight days before I leave for Indonesia. Saying it that way makes me nervous...

Lately, I have been feeling like an inadequate housekeeper and wife. It doesn't matter that those titles do not sum up my life or that I have an out of the home job that takes up four days of my week. But when I cannot live up to those particular two titles, it makes me feel pretty... not worthless... but pretty close. Why do I measure my "worth" by what I can keep up with or by how well I am serving my husband, I don't know... Why do I rejoice when my house has finally been cleaned? Why don't I want to go the extra mile to make him happy? Why do I dream of being a stay-at-home Mom, who is crafty and creative and a good decorator? I want to be a praying wife, a devoted wife, a supporting wife, a wife who will give of my time and who always has clean socks and underwear in his drawers come Monday morning.

I have to remind myself that life is not a dream. It is reality. I will forget to do laundry on occasion. I will run out of milk. I will often wake up tired. The cat will get tapeworms. I will find the tapeworms on Sunday, when the vet's office is closed. The house will be messy. The wood stove will often not cooperate and will fill my house with smoke... when Adam is not home. I will clip Molly's nails too short and she will bleed all over my bedroom carpet. I will be late to work. Dinner will not be ready on time. I will lose my Bible. I will not get my husband a Christmas gift until well into January. I will gain ten extra pounds. I will cry. I will forget. I will take too long. I will make mistakes. I may get lost. I will yell when it is not necessary to do so. I will use improper grammar. I will stutter. And yet...

"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

This year, may I remember that when I am weak, Christ is strong. When I am unable, He is able. When I cannot walk, Christ will carry me. Lord, may I not seek my own glory, but for You to be glorified. Only then will I truly be satisfied.

3 comments:

Ann said...

Perfection lies within imperfection. You yourself are a beautiful rose in which you can see every wilted petal, every leaning stem, ever half eaten leaf, and every painful thorn. But those around you admire the beauty you hold, the strenth within to grow so bold and strong. Don't be too hard on yourself Bethany, you are doing a wonderful job as a wife, a mother, a daughter, a friend...but most of all you are best at being YOU! There are many out there who admire who you are! Stay strong and remember all the blessings you have...and let the dishes sit every now and again. They will still be there tomorrow, enjoy the time you have today!

Rachel said...

I know how you feel, Bethany, I have had a lot of these same feelings. It's not easy being a wife, a mom, a friend, an employee, etc...and to spread yourself out and satisfy all the requirements that come with it. Like Ann said, don't be too hard on yourself, sometimes things just won't get done and Adam will still love you.

Martha said...

Bethany, I can not keep up either. Funny thing, your dad doesn't seem ruffled if supper is not on the table or started by a certain time, but Grandma starts to get antsy, as if she thinks I've totally forgotten.