40 Weeks, For Real?

39 weeks

Supposedly he's coming soon. "Fred", that is. He's due on Thursday. Of this week. In basically one more day. I've been having "baby" contractions for weeks now. Just little ones. Not anything too, too exciting. He's coming eventually. I am trying to decide if I am really prepared for this. Not the labor part, but the bringing him home part. It's something I've been waiting for for a long time. Baby number two. But now it's been almost five years and I find myself wondering if I have forgotten anything major between then and now. Like baby wash... Who needs that, right? I mean, how soon does a baby actually need a bath? Is he going to cry and keep Adam awake at night? Oh yeah, he is, isn't he? I'm going to have two kids? Whoa! I asked Josh what he was looking forward to most, about "Fred" coming and he said playing legos... That may be a small problem. I've tried explaining that little brother is going to come out very small, a tiny baby, too small to play toys right away, but somehow it has still gone right over his head. Josh will have to wait several years before "Fred" is ready to play big kid toys with him, and hopefully, Josh will have enough patience at that time to appease and entertain little brother by doing so. In the mean time, he will have to practice being gentle and giving sweet snuggles and kisses to little brother. I think he can manage that okay and hopefully he won't be too disappointed that little brother is actually that. Little. The whole "having a baby" thing is hard to wrap my mind around. I still wonder how much of me (and the rest of us- Adam and Josh) is still in denial. I mean, I did go and buy diapers a week and a half ago, but somehow there is this part of me that is in disbelief. Really? I'm really going to have a baby any day now? Naw... Maybe in a month or two he'll be here, but not any day soon. For reals? You mean I'll be 40 WEEKS pregnant in approximately 24 1/2 hours? Yes, yes I will be. And Fred is coming soon. And I will be so ready to hold him. And smell him. And rub my nose on his baby soft cheeks. And stare dreamily at him while he snoozes. And kiss him. And praise the Lord for the miracle He has granted me by giving us this child. To think that all I had to do was ask Him. And He said yes. Thank you God, for our little "Fred".

A brief overview:

We moved.

I am going to have a baby in about three weeks.

My last day of work was yesterday.

Today was my first day as a stay-at-home mom.

I still have not taken pictures of my new house.

Adam and I have still not gone on a "before baby arrives" date.

Joshua threw the biggest temper tantrum ever this afternoon. And my grandma was here to witness it.

Welcome to stay-at-home motherhood.

I think I will cry myself to sleep.

And I am getting fat.

PS Twenty minutes later and I changed my mind about crying myself to sleep. Just in case you were worried.

Talents and Dreams and More Trusting

When you don't know what to do, eat ice cream.

I've been thinking about talents the past couple of days. You know, those things that people are good at? There are few things that I feel I am very good at. I might be able to get things done in a decent fashion, but as far as being really good at something, I can only count one or two. Knowing that I'll be needed to earn a supplementary income while being a stay-at-home-mom, starting this coming October, has me thinking about what sort of things I am good at. For the past four years, I have been working for a friend, taking care of and teaching young children. But do I feel that I excel in that area? It's certainly something I can do, but I lack confidence while doing it. Maybe because there are too many more talented individuals that I compare myself too... Or maybe it is because I know my own shortcomings. I am coming around to the thought that, girls and young women, even if their intent is to get married and raise a family, should develop talents. The things she finds herself drawn toward, be it teaching young children, photography, nursing, sewing, language, writing, or owning her own business, those tendencies should be developed and practiced until she possesses a valuable skill. Having a skill or talent not only adds confidence, but becomes a valuable asset to young mothers trying to supplement the family income while raising their children. So where do I go from here? 26 years old, two little boys (one of them a newborn), on the verge of beginning Kindergarten with Joshua, in a new neighborhood, possibility stretched out on the horizon... If homeschooling doesn't give me enough of a brain cramp when I think about it, I am to figure out how to make about $200 a week from home, starting this fall. I try not to think about it too hard and just trust that God will fill the gap, but sometimes I start scheming and dreaming of doing something I really love and am good at. Like baking pies. That is something I am good at. (Or can I really make $200 a week growing veggies?? Not likely.) But the logistics boggle my mind and having little encouragement from my brave leader, I am already sinking. He is a realist. I am a dreamer. He suggests that I could clean houses one day a week. The thought makes me shudder, and exhausts me. Could I do it? Yes, but not happily. Couldn't I really make an average of $200 a week selling pies at the public market once a week? Then I come back to caring for children. Don't I love kids? Wouldn't it be easiest to find one or two to love during the weekdays? Maybe I had better just keep my feet on the ground, head out of the clouds and continue to do what I've been doing for the past four years, loving little kids... Or is that just a cop-out, because the rest of my dreams seem just out of reach and I am too lazy to try? What are my talents? Where are they hiding? Again, I am trusting God to lead me and guide me into the unknown. May He fill that gap and may I trust him with my dreams, even if my dreams really are to love the children of others' while raising my own.

A Bit of Painting

This past month, I have been a busy girl. I had some extra time off of work during January, and I took advantage of my slower schedule by redoing some rooms. We started with the bathroom. We painted, and painted, and hung a new mirror, chose a new decor and got excited about it. When the room was finished (with the exception of finding shelves to hang on the wall), I set to work with a little creativity of my own. I used Modge Podge and old magazines to cover four canvas pallets. Then, parking myself on the bathroom floor so I could see the trees on the shower curtain, I painted. I'm not very good at painting "free-style", but I think I do okay if I have something to copy. I was very pleased with the results and cannot wait to find a proper shelf so I can hang the remaining two pictures on the wall. I cannot help but smile...

Do it Faithfully

3 John 1:5 - Beloved, you do faithfully whatever you do, to the brethren and to strangers...

Can I say that about myself? How can I, if I spread myself so thin? What does the Lord really want me to spend my time doing? Am I able to do that which He has called me to do faithfully? These are questions I am always asking myself. Always evaluating in my mind. How can I get to the place where I know I am in God's will and can truly pour myself into what He has for me? What things, good things, am I involved in that are not His best for me?

Lord, help me to know what you have for me to do. Help me to know when to say "no" and when to say "yes". Help me to do what I do the best way that I can. Help me to serve you faithfully in all that I do, to my family, to my "brethren", and to strangers.

Layed Bare

He's calling me to come closer. To come walk with Him. To partake of solid food. Spend more time with Him. To make Him my priority. I know that I have regressed. I have become self-centered and selfish, and have tainted my Lord's reputation. When did I become this way? When did I start caring less about those who surround me? When did I become a baby in the Lord? He wants me to eat solid food now, real meat. Hebrew 6:1 says, "Therefore, leaving the discussion of the elementary principles of Christ, let us go on to perfection, not laying again the foundation of repentance from dead works and of faith toward God..." I can put on a good facade and am well practiced at it. I look good from the outside, but more and more has the ugly side been showing itself. It's hard for me to love. It's hard for me to forgive. I bring up the hurts that should've been brushed aside by now. I have problems. I am the problem. I need more Jesus. He is the Potter and I am the clay. Can He really clean out the gnarled, crusty self inside of me? Can He really make me new, once again? Can my heart really look like His? I'm tired of these earthly passions and fading trends. Who really cares if I have the latest look or my house looks like a picture from a magazine? Is that what Jesus wants me to spend my time thinking about? Does not His heart bleed for the sins we have committed? Can He make my heart bleed for those things once again? Can He callus my heart toward earthly satisfactions? Yes, yes He can.

Hebrews 6:11 & 12 "And we desire that each one of you show the same diligence to the full assurance of hope until the end, that you do not become sluggish, but imitate those who through faith and patience inherit the promises."

The Truth is in the Pudding (Whatever that means...)

One would think that if you could bake you should be able to cook, right? How about wrong. I consider myself to be a moderately good baker. After all, I can bake pies with the best of them and my cookies aren't too bad either. But I have to admit, my cooking skills just aren't up to par. In fact, they are lagging behind. Not only can I not seem to remember to take meat out to thaw, but bringing a meal together just doesn't always happen. Like tonight, for instance....

I'm trying to clean out my fridge. I don't want any leftovers in there this weekend. It's just time to clean out all that old stuff. Yesterday we had bacon sandwiches and leftover pasta. The pasta was gross in and of itself, let alone being leftovers already. So tonight's dinner made day three of bad dinners. I had the brand idea to make split pea soup in an effort to use up some bread in the fridge. (We have several odd loaves/packages of bread in there.) Yes, make soup to use bread. Everyone knows that you are supposed to eat bread with soup. Now, I have one very distinct memory of eating split pea soup, and that memory comes from my childhood. My Mom only ever made split pea soup once, probably due to how well it was received. Us kids sat at the dinner table much longer that night as we struggled to swallow that insipid soup. The longer we sat, the more horrible the soup became... And yet, I still chose to make split pea soup for supper. I thought that maybe, just possibly in the past 15+ years, my taste buds had matured enough to appreciate the green soup delight. Unfortunately for me, they had not. Even Adam, who typically appreciates split pea soup, did not finish his serving. And poor Josh uttered his disdain for our supper at his first tiny taste. Well, it was our supper and so Adam and I toughed it out for most of our bowlfuls, but were kinder to Josh as we told him he must eat only five bites. He struggled through each bite, grimacing and shuddering and plugging his nose. He was doing so well... But we should've told him four bites. I'll leave it at that. Good thing I know how to bake. I should've gone with my first thought and just served bread pudding for supper. No worries though, I whipped up some bread pudding with blueberries in no time. I was even able to rid my fridge of one more half eaten loaf of bread, a container of cream cheese, the rest of the half and half, and a scoop or two of yogurt. I was a little concerned about all the extra stuff I was putting in the pudding, but there was no need for concern. After all, the truth is in the pudding, I can bake better than I can cook.

(PS The photo is not mine. It is from http://froggey.wordpress.com/2010/09/28/blueberry-bread-pudding-with-lemon-cream/, where I kinda followed the recipe from.)

To My True Love

Will you...

hold my hand?
gaze into my eyes?
stroke my hair?
wink at me?
dance with me?
pray for me?
pray with me?
pursue me?
talk to me?
kiss me?
guide me?
lead me?
hold me?
share with me?
dream with me?
never leave me?
always be mine?

Six years ago he asked me if I would always be his, and I said yes.

And I will.

In Love All Over Again

Smitten. I can't believe she's really a girl. My parents have a granddaughter... I have a niece. Can we really dress this child in pink and put bows in her hair? Buckle shoes and frilly dresses? She's the epitome of tiny girl child. Came into the world with a bang, after just three pushes, 45 minutes after arriving at the hospital. Breathe in her new baby scent and stroke her baby soft skin. Enraptured. That is how I must describe it. Giddy with delight and waiting anxiously until I can see her again.

How to Realize You Are Just One Person

I know my last post made it seem like I wanted lots more to do, but maybe you need clarification. There is currently a LOT on my plate. I don't really need any more to do. But I do want to make more of a difference. I want the things that I do to impact lives for the better. To spread the Good News farther. To effect. To draw people to Christ, because in the end, He is all that really matters. I want my life to reflect that fact. And is busying myself by doing Bible Club, Compassion events, helping decorate for Vacation Bible School, cooking class at Daycare, and hostessing at the CK really reflecting Christ's love for those around me? Am I really able to be a conduit of His grace and mercy when my mind is occupied with thoughts of painting Western scenes, how to make styrofoam swords for defeating the throes of sin, finding sponsors for 22 needy children across the globe or teaching children how to make chocolate chip cookies? It's 12:30 at night and I can't sleep, probably from drinking coffee at 4:45 pm, but possibly from trying to keep everything straight in my brain. When does a girl possibly have time to keep her house clean, her garden free from weeds, to practice the piano more than twice a week so she doesn't feel like a fool come piano lesson day, work more than three days a week, make sure her family eats supper AND gets time to spend with her, AND read the Bible and pray every day? Thankfully the Lord has given me a little alarm clock named Louis, who scratches at my door at 5:15 every morning and finally I realized it was a call to rise early to read and pray, after it happened consistently for over two weeks. Also thankfully, if I get up that early, spend 30-40 minutes with the Lord, I still have time to go back to sleep before I really need to get up to get ready for work. What does God really want from me? Obedience more than sacrifice... How do I know which is which? What is He calling me to do and what have I just taken on because I wanted to? If I knew how to discern, I could pour myself more fully into what He has truly called me to do.

Okay Lord, what is it YOU would have me to do?

His Ways Are Not My Ways

I have a feeling that they'll go up and down. My feelings about it, that is. I really am very thankful. After all, I could have none. I am counting my blessings and trying to keep that in the forefront of my mind. But once in a while, I still feel the familiar longing in my heart. The twinge of jealousy. (Shame on me! Back you snake of jealousy!) I know this summer will have it's difficult moments, especially as the months progress. The bigger they get. I caught myself staring at them yesterday. There were three of them in one afternoon. Why do there have to be so many?? And then there are more. At church, at my second job, at family functions, at the grocery store... And yet, I remind myself again, I still have mine. Snug in his bed, with his arm around Cat, sleeping away the little-boy-dreams.

It was always my dream to be a Mom. A stay-at-home Mom to a brood of children. Growing up in a large family has left me with fond memories of my childhood, though not all was fun and games. We had our share of squabbles and fights. But I still always imagined myself with about five kids. At least four anyways... After all, five was a small number when seven was the norm. Yes, I would have a large family and my children would have siblings their own age to keep them company. Yet sometime during my high school years, I lay in my bed at night wondering what the future would hold for me and a thought drifted through my head. I found myself suddenly paralyzed with fear that I would be unable to have children. I don't remember if I actually cried real tears, but I was crying inside because that was all that I really ever wanted, to be a Mommy. I remember praying to the Lord that He would allow me to have children and now, as I look back, I wonder if that was His way of letting me be aware that life doesn't always unwind the way you expect it to. His ways are not always what we plan them to be. And at this juncture in my life, I am struggling to let go of my idealic dreams and embrace what He has planned for me, for us, for my family. I know I will struggle with letting go, but I am also excited to see what the Lord's plans are. Having more children is not the only dream I have ever had and I wonder what the Lord is going to do with my life. It's an exciting prospect.

"My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,' says the Lord. 'For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

Schlumpish

Blogging schlump. It's spring time. We are supposed to be having endless days of spring time enjoyment. Perfect weather, gardens to play in, warm sunshine, and... rain. And I have no blogging motivation. Maybe it's because I no longer blog for myself. I always feel pressure to captivate my "audience" with an interesting tale, woven with vibrant colors, intrigue at every step. Well guess what! My life is not always that exciting. It is day to day filled with little wonders, that may not captivate you like they do me. Would you be captivated by my very first ever asparagus stalks growing in my garden? Probably not. Or how about a sweet little nose snuggling your cheek while riding in the back of Grandpa's truck? Maybe eating absolutely authentic Mexican food for the first time this year, a whole two minutes away from home? If any of these things strikes your fancy, let me know! Maybe we have more in common than I thought. (PS I need a gardening buddy. Not someone to garden with, but someone to talk about gardening with. It's a therapy for me. And I need some picket fencing to go around my garden to keep the dogs from ruining my plants and stepping on my sprouting asparagus. This is a matter of prayer.)

Dirty Little Hands

Their brown eyes watched us where ever we went. Curiosity. Eager eyes looking for some indication that we might acknowledge their presence. Little boys and girls. Waiting for a wink or a slight smile from us. We could've been their sponsors and they knew we came with love to share on their sponsors' behalf. I know I couldn't keep myself from getting down on their level and loving on them. They would gather around and wonder what this blonde girl was going to do next. I made faces at them, laughed with them, drew in the dirt for them and tried my best to communicate with them despite our language barrier. Their eyes laughed at my silly antics and their giggles made me laugh out loud. It was pure bliss. Dirty little hands grasped mine and as long as I was not afraid of sitting in the dirt, they would scootch their little bodies close to mine. The days were never long enough and the time to say good-bye always came too soon. Each one of us, old and young, big and little, squeezed in as many last minute good-byes as we could. Kisses were blown through car windows and hands waved wildly as we drove away. We left with our hearts full each time. And I pray their young hearts were full as well, full and overflowing with the love of Jesus.

The Country Mouse and The City Mouse

I decided that I could write a book. 25 Ways to Relive Junior High. You know, how to relive those awkward moments, stupid feelings, embarrassing things you said or did... I also decided that I am much to ignorant/innocent/stupid to ever live in the city. And today I took myself right back to the fifth grade, when I spent a few months in the public school system. I won't tell you what I said, because you would think, "Oh that was dumb!" and I already know that. Besides, some of you may be offended by what happened... But we have all done stupid things and been laughed at for it... Let's just suffice it to say, keep your mouth shut at all times. Don't be friendly and don't try to save anyone from any embarrassment. You just might end up embarrassed yourself. *blush*

Keeping it Real

Sometimes we like to put on a facade and parade around as someone else, whether it is "Miss Happy Face" or "Mr. Perfect" or "Mrs. Wonderful Housekeeper". I am here to tell you people that, when it's blog time, I am who I am. And thanks for letting me keep it real here. My faithful blog readers know that I get tired, I get cranky, I get frustrated, and I am wimpy. Okay, maybe you didn't know I was wimpy... I'm not sure about that one anyways... But sometimes, I need to let it out. And to spare Adam an earache, this is often where I go to vent. And I thank you for your encouraging words and even for relating to me. It's good to know that I'm not the only crazy female out there in the world. Oh, and in relation to my last post, I went to church that evening and the Lord had it all planned out... I ended up being reminded time and time again that God is the one who makes us strong and gives us the strength for each day. One song we sang went like this,

"Let the weak say, 'I am strong!' Let the poor say, 'I am rich!' Let the blind say, 'I can see!' It's what the Lord has done in me."

The Lord knows just what we need and somehow He knows how to encourage us and how to put things together like that. Those kinds of things just make me love Him more. :)

And as far as the photo goes, it's another way of "keeping it real". Yes, Josh is wearing moon boots and sweat pants. He's the hippest boy around. And he wore those boots around the house until nap time.

Weakness

I cannot believe it is January 9th already. Nine whole days into the new year. That gives me one month and eight days before I leave for Indonesia. Saying it that way makes me nervous...

Lately, I have been feeling like an inadequate housekeeper and wife. It doesn't matter that those titles do not sum up my life or that I have an out of the home job that takes up four days of my week. But when I cannot live up to those particular two titles, it makes me feel pretty... not worthless... but pretty close. Why do I measure my "worth" by what I can keep up with or by how well I am serving my husband, I don't know... Why do I rejoice when my house has finally been cleaned? Why don't I want to go the extra mile to make him happy? Why do I dream of being a stay-at-home Mom, who is crafty and creative and a good decorator? I want to be a praying wife, a devoted wife, a supporting wife, a wife who will give of my time and who always has clean socks and underwear in his drawers come Monday morning.

I have to remind myself that life is not a dream. It is reality. I will forget to do laundry on occasion. I will run out of milk. I will often wake up tired. The cat will get tapeworms. I will find the tapeworms on Sunday, when the vet's office is closed. The house will be messy. The wood stove will often not cooperate and will fill my house with smoke... when Adam is not home. I will clip Molly's nails too short and she will bleed all over my bedroom carpet. I will be late to work. Dinner will not be ready on time. I will lose my Bible. I will not get my husband a Christmas gift until well into January. I will gain ten extra pounds. I will cry. I will forget. I will take too long. I will make mistakes. I may get lost. I will yell when it is not necessary to do so. I will use improper grammar. I will stutter. And yet...

"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

This year, may I remember that when I am weak, Christ is strong. When I am unable, He is able. When I cannot walk, Christ will carry me. Lord, may I not seek my own glory, but for You to be glorified. Only then will I truly be satisfied.

Ain't He Sweet?

Josh and I had a real good night together tonight. Adam had gone out for the evening and the little guy and I had already been to the outlet mall together making returns at four different stores. It's not always a fun thing to do, going to the store with Josh, but this time he had a little motivation to be good. He had spied one or two of those coin operated ride on toys that are conveniently placed outside of stores to tempt small children, and was so hoping for a ride on one. I have never let Josh ride on one before, and in the first store we went into he didn't use his "best listening ears" and I told him he couldn't sit on one despite his desperate pleas. But he would not be too discouraged, and was on his absolute best behavior in the remaining stores in hopes that he could earn some brownie points. This was the start of a very nice evening together. When a small child is doing his best to please his or her parent, the parent is going to be a little more, let's say generous, than normal. (Kid's make sure you learn this while you are young.) Let's suffice it to say that before we left the outlet mall, Josh got his ride on the Mickey Mouse fire engine.

So our good evening continued on together. We ate our supper together, just the two of us. I offered him a choice of reading our new storybook together or cleaning the basement, and much to my amusement, he chose cleaning the basement together. He helped me get the newspaper ready for starting a fire on our wood stove, and wrinkled much to much paper. He dusted the tables while I swept the floor. We shared hot cocoa in his new Sponge Bob mugs he received from our family gift exchange at Christmas. I helped the little guy with his bath, though we made sure that his bath toys would not go down the drain before we filled the tub. And then we looked at the new Highlight's magazine that came in the mail, thanks to Aunt Leta. After wards, we delved into our new storybook, The Jeremy Mouse book, by Patricia Scarry. I decided that I like her stories. By the end of our evening together, Josh and I were both in such good moods. He was tucked into bed very pleasantly with two of his tractors and I didn't hear another peep from him. I guess our good night wore him out. I like being a Mommy. :)

A Kitchen Ooops

I've been meaning to make more Christmas cookies. About a week and a half ago, we hosted a Christmas party and I made my favorite Christmas cookies, Russian teacakes. This is how they looked when they came out. I think I laughed out loud. This had never happened to me before, but then I have never let the cookies sit on the counter for 20+ minutes before baking them. I suppose the butter had warmed up too much to hold them in their circular form. Needless to say, these cookies went "right in the garbage". Thankfully it only takes a few minutes to whip up another batch and I was able to make some more. But they are gone now. Can we have Christmas next week, so I have time to make more cookies first?

Only Half of Me Wants to be Normal

So an update about my appointment with my Doctor...

I felt almost like I had wasted my time going to see her, not because I didn't have lots of questions to ask her, but because she couldn't answer any of my questions. It went kinda like this:

Me: "I have low progesterone and no ovulation, so if I change my diet and maybe take herbal supplements, will that help increase my progesterone levels?"

Dr: "Well, you don't get hormones from the food you eat..."

Me: "This sort of problem runs in my family and my Aunt said to try A, B and C foods. What do you think of those?"

Dr: "Well, all of those things are really good for all parts of your body, and if your Aunt had the same problem, so maybe she would know."

I asked her about wild yams, about chasteberry, about soy and various other foods. I was hoping that as a very experienced gynecologist, she would know something more about wild yams than just that her husband bought some for her when she was having hot flashes! She knew nothing about using your diet to influence hormonal balance in your body. It was very frustrating. And since taking anything drug related is out of the question at least until I get back from Indonesia, she said, "Well, it doesn't hurt to try those things for the next few months and if you get pregnant, great! And if not, we can see you when you get back in March." She couldn't give me any warnings about taking herbal supplements, as in what not to take, how long to take, what not to take together, what sort of influence they would have on my moods, etc, etc, etc. So I'm left flying blind. (If you know of a good herbalist, let me know! I feel as if I could use one!)

I don't want this to become a "preoccupation" in my life or even a stress hazard. All I really want is... Well, I am not even sure. I want to know what God has for me. Is another baby in my future? Cause if it's not, I sure will be happy with my malfunctioning body. I love not having monthly mood swings, absent cycles, and the "happy norm" my body is in. Unless the lack of those things are not really healthy for my body, which is one question I forgot to ask my Dr. and one she didn't volunteer information for. I'd also love to know if mood swings often accompany the initial intake of herbal supplements such as chasteberry and wild yams, because I'd love to blame my volatile outbreaks on them.

To sum all of this ranting up, I need prayer. I need guidance. Half of me wants to be normal and half of me likes the way I am. Lord, what do you have for me?

Told To Go

Today is a thankful day. As of late I have especially felt blessed by our God. Why does the Creator of the Universe take the time to move in my life and work in ways to bless me? Why does He take the time to speak to me through His Word? These are questions that I cannot answer, but I know that He does do these things and I know that I feel blessed and loved. Very loved.

Back in July, I was asked by a girl when I was coming to see her. At that time, I knew it was out of the question, because she lives on the other side of the world and the cost of getting there was way beyond affordable. But I told her to pray, and if God wanted me to come, He would do the rest. My friend didn't know that a "Sponsor Tour" had been planned for her country or that the deadline for the initial deposit was only weeks away. I felt the tug of my heart, and I started to pray and fast about going to see her, even though I was sure it was an impossibility. As I was fasting, God gave me this scripture:

Matthew 12:39b "...no sign shall be given to it except the sign of Jonah." (At this point in time, the deadline for the deposit was ten days away.)

I was like, "Okay Lord... What does that mean?" Do you remember what God told Jonah to do? He told Jonah to "Go to Ninevah." Wow... Was that it Lord? Being unsure, I mentioned the scripture to my Dad, and getting an unfavorable response, I began to question the scripture and my interpretation. This was ridiculous. Did I really think God was saying to go? Ridiculous. I told the Lord, "If You want me to go, You are going to have to very clearly tell me again." Four days later I was again reading in Matthew. Chapter 16, verse 4b:

"No sign shall be given to it except the sign of Jonah."

Are You serious Lord? Do you know how many times God had to tell Jonah to go to Ninevah? I read the book of Jonah to see what God had really told Jonah. God had told him, not once, but twice to "Go to Ninevah." But I, being simple-minded and still not entirely sure if God really meant what He was telling me, was still doubtful. "Do You mean it Lord?" It was Sunday morning and we went off to church and questions were rolling in my mind. Would you ever begin to guess who was mentioned during the sermon that morning? None other than Jonah... God, this is hilarious! Are You for real? For the next day and a half, my mind was reeling. Monday evening, my family and I go to the nursing home for a Bible study time. As we were headed there, I sat in the back of my parent's van with my brother. Ben and I don't typically sit next to each other when we are in the same vehicle. (Nothing against him, I just usually sit next to Hannah.) And can you guess who Ben started talking about? I don't remember our exact conversation, but he is the one who brought up Jonah. I could deny it no longer. The Lord was speaking to me. And He was so patient not to say it once, not twice or even three times. But four. And He gave me no other sign than Jonah.

So after God had convinced me, then came the next test. This was a real test. The clincher. The part of the test that I was sure I wouldn't pass. I had to ask Adam. (There were now four days until the deposit deadline.) I tried to calm my nerves and cleared my throat. I said something like this, "Adam, there is a Sponsor Tour to Indonesia in February and I have been praying about going. Do you think I could go?" He had known thoughts had been rolling around in my mind about going, but we hadn't really discussed it, mostly because I was sure it was out of the question. With out hesitation (a miracle in itself), he replied. "You work hard around here, you can go." I think trumpets were sounding somewhere!! And I know that it was a God influenced decision, because a month or two later, Adam admitted that his head was not screwed on right when he gave his permission. If he had been in his right mind, he would have said no. Watching our savings account drain down to nothing was torture for him, and yet I remained confident that God would provide. After all, If God had really told me to go, He was going to provide.

So, now I have to take leave because today is Thanksgiving and I need to make a side dish. Tasty-tasty.