Tuesday, May 10, 2011

His Ways Are Not My Ways

I have a feeling that they'll go up and down. My feelings about it, that is. I really am very thankful. After all, I could have none. I am counting my blessings and trying to keep that in the forefront of my mind. But once in a while, I still feel the familiar longing in my heart. The twinge of jealousy. (Shame on me! Back you snake of jealousy!) I know this summer will have it's difficult moments, especially as the months progress. The bigger they get. I caught myself staring at them yesterday. There were three of them in one afternoon. Why do there have to be so many?? And then there are more. At church, at my second job, at family functions, at the grocery store... And yet, I remind myself again, I still have mine. Snug in his bed, with his arm around Cat, sleeping away the little-boy-dreams.

It was always my dream to be a Mom. A stay-at-home Mom to a brood of children. Growing up in a large family has left me with fond memories of my childhood, though not all was fun and games. We had our share of squabbles and fights. But I still always imagined myself with about five kids. At least four anyways... After all, five was a small number when seven was the norm. Yes, I would have a large family and my children would have siblings their own age to keep them company. Yet sometime during my high school years, I lay in my bed at night wondering what the future would hold for me and a thought drifted through my head. I found myself suddenly paralyzed with fear that I would be unable to have children. I don't remember if I actually cried real tears, but I was crying inside because that was all that I really ever wanted, to be a Mommy. I remember praying to the Lord that He would allow me to have children and now, as I look back, I wonder if that was His way of letting me be aware that life doesn't always unwind the way you expect it to. His ways are not always what we plan them to be. And at this juncture in my life, I am struggling to let go of my idealic dreams and embrace what He has planned for me, for us, for my family. I know I will struggle with letting go, but I am also excited to see what the Lord's plans are. Having more children is not the only dream I have ever had and I wonder what the Lord is going to do with my life. It's an exciting prospect.

"My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,' says the Lord. 'For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9


Martha said...

I love you so much! When you need a shoulder to lean on, an arm around your neck, or someone to dry your tears, I am here. Somehow, though it may not be what you planned, God has a wonderful plan for your life. He sees your tears too and keeps them in His bottle.

Heather said...

I have tears in my eyes reading this. Thank you for sharing your beautiful heart, Bethany. You are so willing to have God use you and you are so aware that He has a plan for your life. He will use you!! I love you!

Ann said...

I know how you feel, but always remember just how blessed you are! The one thing that gets me through every day is knowing that there's a bigger plan for me out there. I may not have been meant to have kids, but I was meant for something great...only time will tell what that is. Bethany, you may have more...you may only have one...but if you are giving everything you've got to every blessing you have, good things will come...even if it may not be as you planned it.

kate said...