40 Weeks, For Real?

39 weeks

Supposedly he's coming soon. "Fred", that is. He's due on Thursday. Of this week. In basically one more day. I've been having "baby" contractions for weeks now. Just little ones. Not anything too, too exciting. He's coming eventually. I am trying to decide if I am really prepared for this. Not the labor part, but the bringing him home part. It's something I've been waiting for for a long time. Baby number two. But now it's been almost five years and I find myself wondering if I have forgotten anything major between then and now. Like baby wash... Who needs that, right? I mean, how soon does a baby actually need a bath? Is he going to cry and keep Adam awake at night? Oh yeah, he is, isn't he? I'm going to have two kids? Whoa! I asked Josh what he was looking forward to most, about "Fred" coming and he said playing legos... That may be a small problem. I've tried explaining that little brother is going to come out very small, a tiny baby, too small to play toys right away, but somehow it has still gone right over his head. Josh will have to wait several years before "Fred" is ready to play big kid toys with him, and hopefully, Josh will have enough patience at that time to appease and entertain little brother by doing so. In the mean time, he will have to practice being gentle and giving sweet snuggles and kisses to little brother. I think he can manage that okay and hopefully he won't be too disappointed that little brother is actually that. Little. The whole "having a baby" thing is hard to wrap my mind around. I still wonder how much of me (and the rest of us- Adam and Josh) is still in denial. I mean, I did go and buy diapers a week and a half ago, but somehow there is this part of me that is in disbelief. Really? I'm really going to have a baby any day now? Naw... Maybe in a month or two he'll be here, but not any day soon. For reals? You mean I'll be 40 WEEKS pregnant in approximately 24 1/2 hours? Yes, yes I will be. And Fred is coming soon. And I will be so ready to hold him. And smell him. And rub my nose on his baby soft cheeks. And stare dreamily at him while he snoozes. And kiss him. And praise the Lord for the miracle He has granted me by giving us this child. To think that all I had to do was ask Him. And He said yes. Thank you God, for our little "Fred".

Do they always come out of the box like that?

The answer is obviously no, there are not two little pink lines when it comes out of the box. Only if your son's prayers have been answered. Joshua has been praying. And God has said yes. (He's also been praying things like, "Can you please hurry up and make our baby come out?") After three days of nausea, I already knew it, but took the test any ways, just to be sure. Now 5 or 6 weeks later, the nausea hasn't subsided. I'm 11 1/2 weeks and due September 6th. We got to see our little one last Tuesday, during an early ultrasound. I'm in love already.

His Ways Are Not My Ways

I have a feeling that they'll go up and down. My feelings about it, that is. I really am very thankful. After all, I could have none. I am counting my blessings and trying to keep that in the forefront of my mind. But once in a while, I still feel the familiar longing in my heart. The twinge of jealousy. (Shame on me! Back you snake of jealousy!) I know this summer will have it's difficult moments, especially as the months progress. The bigger they get. I caught myself staring at them yesterday. There were three of them in one afternoon. Why do there have to be so many?? And then there are more. At church, at my second job, at family functions, at the grocery store... And yet, I remind myself again, I still have mine. Snug in his bed, with his arm around Cat, sleeping away the little-boy-dreams.

It was always my dream to be a Mom. A stay-at-home Mom to a brood of children. Growing up in a large family has left me with fond memories of my childhood, though not all was fun and games. We had our share of squabbles and fights. But I still always imagined myself with about five kids. At least four anyways... After all, five was a small number when seven was the norm. Yes, I would have a large family and my children would have siblings their own age to keep them company. Yet sometime during my high school years, I lay in my bed at night wondering what the future would hold for me and a thought drifted through my head. I found myself suddenly paralyzed with fear that I would be unable to have children. I don't remember if I actually cried real tears, but I was crying inside because that was all that I really ever wanted, to be a Mommy. I remember praying to the Lord that He would allow me to have children and now, as I look back, I wonder if that was His way of letting me be aware that life doesn't always unwind the way you expect it to. His ways are not always what we plan them to be. And at this juncture in my life, I am struggling to let go of my idealic dreams and embrace what He has planned for me, for us, for my family. I know I will struggle with letting go, but I am also excited to see what the Lord's plans are. Having more children is not the only dream I have ever had and I wonder what the Lord is going to do with my life. It's an exciting prospect.

"My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,' says the Lord. 'For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

Surrender

So my special diet has been working. It's been three months and I have had two "normal" cycles. There is hope for me yet. During prayer tonight at church, I was really feeling like this is something I just need to surrender to the Lord. I have been thinking about babies a LOT lately, especially since in the past two weeks I have learned of four different women who are expecting. Part of me rejoices for them and part of me says "We have been trying for two years now. I think it's my turn!" It's selfish and impatient of me. I just need to surrender and trust that the Lord knows what He is doing. He doesn't want me to be pregnant when I go to Indonesia or when I got my Hep A shot or when I have to take malaria medicine. That would be bad for a baby. But He has it all in His hands. "Lord help me to surrender to You."

Genesis 30:22

Only Half of Me Wants to be Normal

So an update about my appointment with my Doctor...

I felt almost like I had wasted my time going to see her, not because I didn't have lots of questions to ask her, but because she couldn't answer any of my questions. It went kinda like this:

Me: "I have low progesterone and no ovulation, so if I change my diet and maybe take herbal supplements, will that help increase my progesterone levels?"

Dr: "Well, you don't get hormones from the food you eat..."

Me: "This sort of problem runs in my family and my Aunt said to try A, B and C foods. What do you think of those?"

Dr: "Well, all of those things are really good for all parts of your body, and if your Aunt had the same problem, so maybe she would know."

I asked her about wild yams, about chasteberry, about soy and various other foods. I was hoping that as a very experienced gynecologist, she would know something more about wild yams than just that her husband bought some for her when she was having hot flashes! She knew nothing about using your diet to influence hormonal balance in your body. It was very frustrating. And since taking anything drug related is out of the question at least until I get back from Indonesia, she said, "Well, it doesn't hurt to try those things for the next few months and if you get pregnant, great! And if not, we can see you when you get back in March." She couldn't give me any warnings about taking herbal supplements, as in what not to take, how long to take, what not to take together, what sort of influence they would have on my moods, etc, etc, etc. So I'm left flying blind. (If you know of a good herbalist, let me know! I feel as if I could use one!)

I don't want this to become a "preoccupation" in my life or even a stress hazard. All I really want is... Well, I am not even sure. I want to know what God has for me. Is another baby in my future? Cause if it's not, I sure will be happy with my malfunctioning body. I love not having monthly mood swings, absent cycles, and the "happy norm" my body is in. Unless the lack of those things are not really healthy for my body, which is one question I forgot to ask my Dr. and one she didn't volunteer information for. I'd also love to know if mood swings often accompany the initial intake of herbal supplements such as chasteberry and wild yams, because I'd love to blame my volatile outbreaks on them.

To sum all of this ranting up, I need prayer. I need guidance. Half of me wants to be normal and half of me likes the way I am. Lord, what do you have for me?

Adjusting My Diet

This morning is my Dr.'s appointment with my GYN. We will hopefully be able to discuss getting my body to function as it should, as naturally as possible. At the moment, I feel like getting pregnant again is a figment of my imagination and I think I am just going through the motions of pretending it's a possibility. For the last month I have adjusted my diet slightly, with the hopes of "kick-starting" (jump-starting?) my body into regularity. I have been substituting soy milk for regular milk and I have been drinking raspberry leaf tea. (I know raspberry leaf tea is to be avoided in early pregnancy, in case you are concerned.) This week when I went grocery shopping, I picked a pomegranate and some flaxseed, both of which I hear are very good for you. I typically eat pretty healthy otherwise, so I'm not sure what else I should add in or take out. I know my Dr. isn't a nutritionist, but maybe she can point me in the right direction. As of right now, taking drugs is out of the question, at least until after I get home from Indonesia and after I have done some research of my own. I really want to leave it in God's hands and trust that He knows what is best for me and my family. I'll update you later on anything else my Dr. has to say to me.

His Plans

So, here's the deal. Maybe I wouldn't be a good parent if I had two kids. Maybe God just wants me to have one. Maybe He has plans for me that are different than having more kids. It's not horrible to have only one. It may be kind of dull to be an only child, but it's not the end of the world. That being said, Adam and I want to have another baby. I don't want Josh to be an only child. I want him to have someone to play with. I loved having siblings and lots of them. (Most of the time.) But this may become somewhat of a journey. And I want to be clear, that whatever God has for us, I'll be fine with. If God says, "No more kids for you", then maybe after Josh gets older, I will take classes, go to medical school and be a medic on a foreign mission field. Whatever God has... So I am going to allow you all to tag along with me in this little journey of conception. Step one was blood work to see what is up. The results are low progesterone and no ovulation. I could've told you that without the blood work, but now it is official. Adam seems unconcerned about this, because we were able to get pregnant twice before, the first time ending in miscarriage. Either that or he was just blowing me off. I now have an appointment with my Doctor in early December and if anyone has suggestions on how to increase progesterone levels without taking drugs, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE give them to me. I would love to have another baby without taking clomid to do so! So there you are. This is why I, at one point, said that you might have to go to China to get anymore grandchildren. (You know who you are.) Except that Adam is completely opposed to adopting, so that really is out of the question.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11